My Wish List.... I don't want it all... I just want to be happy

Ok… ok.. I haven’t blogged in a while …. Maybe a year actually but I was getting too caught up in my topics...so I took a break, lol... but after hearing about creating a list of 100 things you want in a mate a few weeks ago…ironically by someone I so happened to be attracted to I finally decided on Monday to make my own list.

Wow…a list huh? I wasn’t sure where to begin or what those 100 things should be… was I to get superficial? Tall, Dark, Handsome… or get deep? Church going man, Loves to read, great at algorithms?? Hmmmmm… I was perplexed …. Did creating this list mean that I was officially searching for the man for me?

So I decided to just make a list of the things I knew were important to me… if it totaled 100 great, if not so what? I sat down and I began to write – I didn’t even number them I just jotted down the things I knew would make me happy should I find them all in one person and frankly if he has most of the qualities I’d be good.

Last night I went to bed not feeling so happy and I decided to take a break from the outside world today and think about what I wanted to do with my life and what makes me happy …. Conclusion at end of the day: You can’t rely on others to make you happy or you’ll constantly end up disappointed.

So while I don’t advocate losing yourself in someone else, nor expecting perfection (it DOES NOT exist) I do believe that if the person you’re with doesn’t treat you as if your worthwhile or worth his/her time you’ll never have a healthy, happy relationship.

With that said *insert drum roll* here’s my list of things I hope to find in My Man (and yes I’ll now number them - they aren't in order just how they came to me):

1. Funny – HAS to make me laugh
2. Able to hold an intelligent conversation – beyond cars, sex & sports
3. Ambitious – A go-getter is vital
4. Confident – there’s nothing sexier…well….
5. Smart – intelligence is a must
6. Family Values – moral & social values are essential
7. Respectful - *shakes a tambourine*
8. Honest – please don’t lie to me
9. Sexy – just the way he carries himself
10. Witty – this is different from funny – he’s gotta be able to be quick and inventive
11. Ability to Flex – has to be able to hang at a corporate function then roll to a dance
12. Employed – oh yea has to have a J O B
13. Loves me for who/as I am - Need I say more?
14. Great Friends – his TRUE friends have to have substance
15. Believes in God – No atheists need apply
16. Supportive – has to have my back
17. Sensitive yet firm – in touch w/his feelings but don’t want to be able to walk all over him
18. Understanding – has to be able to relate
    
19. Reassuring – Able to remove any doubts I have w/a look, touch or a word
20. Stylish - gotta be able to put himself together
    
21. Loving – words or actions
22. Loves his mother/family – must be a family man
23. Sensual – mmmhmmmm
24. Makes me feel like I am the only one – even if this aint true I shouldn’t feel that way
25. Able to have fun – not uptight
26. Great Father – no absentee daddy round here (whether he has children or plans to must want to be in his child/children’s life)
27. Trusting – must let me in and believe in me/us
28. My Best friend – this is CRITICAL
29. Gives back of his time – must be involved or willing to be involved in charity work
30. Kind – being friendly/considerate of others is paramount
31. Not a womanizer – this one bag of woman thing cannot work
32. Great Kisser - #nuffsaid
33. Calls me vs texting/bbm all the time – I want to hear his voice…nothing beats a call NOTHING!
34. Mature – I can’t abide childish men
35. Available – This has multiple meanings … main one being I want to feel he’s there for me
36. Makes time for me – just make an effort to spend time with me
37. Able to manage money – I suck at this lol
38. Compliments me – the little things mean so much
39. Crazy about me like I am crazy about him – the lopsided thing cannot work
40. Never makes me feel like an afterthought – this is self explanatory
41. Wants a family – has to want children
42. Not afraid of commitment …. And makes the steps towards that – no friends with benefits
43. Doesn’t expect perfection – accepts my flaws
44. Doesn’t belittle me or others – Not cool to put me or others down
45. Not abusive (verbally/physically/emotionally) – Big NO NO
46. Loves animals – must love animals
47. Finds me sexy – MUST have chemistry
48. Not selfish – being self-absorbed is extremely unattractive
49. Able to say he's sorry - the ability to admit he's wrong
    
50. Not judgmental – you’re NOT God
51. Has my back – right or wrong I want to know I can turn to him
52. Is there for me as much as I am there for him – no relationship is truly 50/50 but I can’t always be giving and getting nothing in return
53. Enjoys my company – I don’t want to feel like you’d rather be somewhere else
54. Communication - Open & Honest. Don't take me for a fool... I'm a big girl
    

So that’s it… wow 53 huh? Well not sure what happens next after you make this list but I can’t wait to see!

Well it's October 25th and this weekend brought #54 to mind - see above....

Commitment Not Wanted Around Here....Being Single & over 30

It's been a while since my last blog. I got back to Jamaica the harsh reality of life set in and side-tracked me.

Now that I've settled back in and looked around I find myself asking the same question so many...hmmmm...maybe ALL of my single female friends ask. Where have all the good guys gone?

So I decided that my inaugural JA blog would be my view of being single and over 30 in Jamaica...and the USA.


I'm no beauty queen but as they say in JA "nuh tree nuh grow innah me face" but unfortunately (or is it fortunately) I did get caught up in my career for a loooong time...I figured that whole marriage/children thing could wait. To be honest - I never did want to get married. I was never that little girl who had her dress, ring, church, bridesmaids etc picked out. I did however want someone I could share my life with and possibly children. I've dated good guys actually great guys and I've dated the "bad boys" - I've been proposed to and I made my choices...so trust me I get it

Having had the benefit of really good male friends I got to see a little more than the average chick of how guys think & act. So very early out I knew what was what - I'm that chick that knows most men cheat & am really not gonna kick his ass about it but at the same time I don't expect him to have it in my face & I do expect him to use a condom.


I'm also not the type of girl who jumps from bed to bed...I don't do one-night stands, I don't use one man to get over the other and I'm not comfortable sleepin w/a man bcuz he's willing to pay my bills. So it makes it a bit more difficult in the modern day "romping shop" masked as the dating scene....


So what do you do if you:

1. don't go to a club/party/bar every night to meet men


2. don't pick up guys at random


3. don't believe in maintaining a man


4. don't feel comfortable with sharing a man with 4/5 different women


5. don't believe in having sex w/someone ur not attracted to for financial gain
   
6. don't want to be his constant "booty call"

I'll answer that for you: You hang out with the same group of friends, inevitably complaining that you're not meeting anyone new watching weeks, months and years go by. Or you end up in a relationship that deep down inside you know isn't going anywhere but you stay because you know that the alternative/prospects are so dim that you might as well stick with the "evil you already know." You avoid kiddie parties, couple events or majour family dinners in order not to be plagued by the same questions over and over...."So when are you getting married? No babies for you? Who are you dating?"

I am not sure what the statistics are in Jamaica but in the US Forty-five percent of black women in America have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's American Community Survey in 2006.

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/07/22/single.black.women/index.html

or according to Oprah's story 70% of black women in the US are single

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvQel-sIKwM

What I can say about the ratio of eligible single men to single women in Jamaica is its definitely skewed! Trust me on that one....my single female friends are independent, in great careers, great senses of humour and good-looking.....the problem? They are over 30...That means that they are now thrust unwillingly into competition with not just the women in their age bracket or socio-economic category but high-schoolers, "gold-diggers or Looseys", 20 somethings and of course the college crew. The men have the advantage....

They need have no direction, steady job (as long as the can hustle to present an image of such), be in good physical shape or even have a proper command of the English language....in fact they don't even have to be single...it matters not. They'll still have a stack of women waiting in the wings.

So does it surprise us that the ratio as of 2007 at The University of The West Indies (Mona) was 82% female to 18% male?

http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20070930/focus/focus3.html

Now if that isn't a gap I don't know what is....It's also a glimpse into the further divide that exists for single women today especially over 30. It's daunting...no lie.

Having heard the tales from friends of how the guy tells them after a few weeks - "dem did know what him did want & is not a relationship" or "if dem caan sen on a 10 gran or suh fi tek care of some tings" or better yet never ask them out just constantly text about having sex w/them....why would a woman want to put herself through this.

I haven't dated in years....the thought of facing what's out there is frightening because the attitude of the men whether uptown, midtown or downtown is the same. They have no time nor desire to "date" they want sex w/out the strings/commitment and frankly if they don't get it from you they'll get it elsewhere. If I thought it was an "urban legend" I did hang out w/ a nice guy recently and had it recently confirmed - #1 desire for single men out there a friend w/benefits...commitment not wanted around here. At least he was upfront but then you have to ask yourself do I hang with him again? Or is it just a complete waste of my time? Or do I just go straight cougar and date a much younger guy....btw I just had one ask me out by calling me a "big woman?" woooow I felt like a granny....but you take it in stride & adjust your jerk magnet and hope it's working properly.

It makes you want to give up and I have gorgeous and amazing female friends who basically have done just that. Locked themselves away because they're tired of the games and disrespect. It's even worse when your married friends say "You're too picky" or "There are plenty of good guys out there - you just not looking." So to salvage the friendship you bite your tongue and make a hasty retreat back to your single friends who understand the plight. Frankly if you're not a single woman in today's world past a certain age you cannot understand what it's like.

It's dismal out there if you're unwilling to compromise your standards, body or self-respect but I am on the never ending search to find out where have all the good guys gone....