Monday, November 9, 2009

Commitment Not Wanted Around Here....Being Single & over 30

It's been a while since my last blog. I got back to Jamaica the harsh reality of life set in and side-tracked me.

Now that I've settled back in and looked around I find myself asking the same question so many...hmmmm...maybe ALL of my single female friends ask. Where have all the good guys gone?

So I decided that my inaugural JA blog would be my view of being single and over 30 in Jamaica...and the USA.

I'm no beauty queen but as they say in JA "nuh tree nuh grow innah me face" but unfortunately (or is it fortunately) I did get caught up in my career for a loooong time...I figured that whole marriage/children thing could wait. To be honest - I never did want to get married. I was never that little girl who had her dress, ring, church, bridesmaids etc picked out. I did however want someone I could share my life with and possibly children. I've dated good guys actually great guys and I've dated the "bad boys" - I've been proposed to and I made my trust me I get it

Having had the benefit of really good male friends I got to see a little more than the average chick of how guys think & act. So very early out I knew what was what - I'm that chick that knows most men cheat & am really not gonna kick his ass about it but at the same time I don't expect him to have it in my face & I do expect him to use a condom.

I'm also not the type of girl who jumps from bed to bed...I don't do one-night stands, I don't use one man to get over the other and I'm not comfortable sleepin w/a man bcuz he's willing to pay my bills. So it makes it a bit more difficult in the modern day "romping shop" masked as the dating scene....

So what do you do if you:

  1. don't go to a club/party/bar every night to meet men

  2. don't pick up guys at random

  3. don't believe in maintaining a man

  4. don't feel comfortable with sharing a man with 4/5 different women

  5. don't believe in having sex w/someone ur not attracted to for financial gain
  6. don't want to be his constant "booty call"

I'll answer that for you: You hang out with the same group of friends, inevitably complaining that you're not meeting anyone new watching weeks, months and years go by. Or you end up in a relationship that deep down inside you know isn't going anywhere but you stay because you know that the alternative/prospects are so dim that you might as well stick with the "evil you already know." You avoid kiddie parties, couple events or majour family dinners in order not to be plagued by the same questions over and over...."So when are you getting married? No babies for you? Who are you dating?"

I am not sure what the statistics are in Jamaica but in the US Forty-five percent of black women in America have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's American Community Survey in 2006.

or according to Oprah's story 70% of black women in the US are single

What I can say about the ratio of eligible single men to single women in Jamaica is its definitely skewed! Trust me on that single female friends are independent, in great careers, great senses of humour and good-looking.....the problem? They are over 30...That means that they are now thrust unwillingly into competition with not just the women in their age bracket or socio-economic category but high-schoolers, "gold-diggers or Looseys", 20 somethings and of course the college crew. The men have the advantage....

They need have no direction, steady job (as long as the can hustle to present an image of such), be in good physical shape or even have a proper command of the English fact they don't even have to be matters not. They'll still have a stack of women waiting in the wings.

So does it surprise us that the ratio as of 2007 at The University of The West Indies (Mona) was 82% female to 18% male?

Now if that isn't a gap I don't know what is....It's also a glimpse into the further divide that exists for single women today especially over 30. It's lie.

Having heard the tales from friends of how the guy tells them after a few weeks - "dem did know what him did want & is not a relationship" or "if dem caan sen on a 10 gran or suh fi tek care of some tings" or better yet never ask them out just constantly text about having sex w/them....why would a woman want to put herself through this.

I haven't dated in years....the thought of facing what's out there is frightening because the attitude of the men whether uptown, midtown or downtown is the same. They have no time nor desire to "date" they want sex w/out the strings/commitment and frankly if they don't get it from you they'll get it elsewhere. If I thought it was an "urban legend" I did hang out w/ a nice guy recently and had it recently confirmed - #1 desire for single men out there a friend w/benefits...commitment not wanted around here. At least he was upfront but then you have to ask yourself do I hang with him again? Or is it just a complete waste of my time? Or do I just go straight cougar and date a much younger guy....btw I just had one ask me out by calling me a "big woman?" woooow I felt like a granny....but you take it in stride & adjust your jerk magnet and hope it's working properly.

It makes you want to give up and I have gorgeous and amazing female friends who basically have done just that. Locked themselves away because they're tired of the games and disrespect. It's even worse when your married friends say "You're too picky" or "There are plenty of good guys out there - you just not looking." So to salvage the friendship you bite your tongue and make a hasty retreat back to your single friends who understand the plight. Frankly if you're not a single woman in today's world past a certain age you cannot understand what it's like.

It's dismal out there if you're unwilling to compromise your standards, body or self-respect but I am on the never ending search to find out where have all the good guys gone....


  1. This, Tara, is a really excellent article. Honest and affecting - and true.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Damn. I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from and can relate to 1-6 on your "What do you do if" list. SMH. And unfortunately you are correct about hanging out with the same folks, complaining about the same things and never being in an environment where you can meet new people. I started going out alone and I'm now starting to meet a few new people...but as for dating...the effort has to come from both sides. My issue isn't necessarily meeting new's their dating techniques I can't get down with.

    I don't find men who date. The courting thing is very taboo to some of them & if you aren't ready to sleep together sooner than later, you're then labeled anything from corny to dry to unexciting or too shy.


    And believe me I don't think this is the case with every man...but I really wish the ones who are not part of this new breed of wack men would come out from hiding.

    Claudia aka @hellomissjean

  4. gaydom has taken over the world - and the internet is making it easier for guys to hook up with the next "one-night-stand".

    you know when I was 16, one day i was standing in front of the closet for far too long and my father asked me why I wasn't dressed yet, when everybody was waiting in the car. I told him I didn't know what to wear, and he said "that wouldn't have been a problem if you only had one dress". Well, it's the same thing. the internet presents too many choices and that leads to the notion that there is "no hurry to nail down a relationship". The back in the day thing was to be married before your eggs dried up. But now the popularity of having kids out of wedlock. Celebritis like Halle Berry are touting it.

    So between the world wide web of choices, and the fact that there are now choices that we 30's didn't have before (including homosexual relationships becoming a fashion statement), it's not just the men, it's the women who have said that it's ok if I don't know, and then did everything to "know" - did down cell phones and FB pages ... well, we gave men the permission by giving them the choices.

    These, I believe are the MAJOR factors. Plus as money gets scarce and having children is no longer a popular, people are opting for the freedom of eating their cake and still having it.

    Also, the growing number many divorced people have made the single life popular statement. They curse marriage as a man-made institution that takes away your freedom, and makes you dishonest because there are so many beautiful likkle young tings out there to sample.

    I'm married so I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying it's so. But what is the difference between married and not married. People are still doing the same things. The sacredness has gone because of the breakdown of the church. I am not a christian so I can understand. but we haven't learned to do good without some God dictating it to us. That is what we need to know. Those of us who wondered why they trickeed people with the god crap. This is why. Because people have to be tricked into doing wholesome things and making wholesome choices.


    Subject: Your latest response

    This is something I can relate to, though from an entirely different perspective. While I am a (happily..yes there are those days, few and fare between though they may be) married man of the 40ish age range (mentally still in his 20s), I can appreciate the angst and issues faced by my many single female friends, as they foolishly look at marriage or longterm commitment with longing...though

    I guess this may be as a result of genetic programming than anything else. Its amazing the difference in perspective...while I look on in awe and sometime (playa)hate at my single male friends in my age group, and above and below same, I never once regret not being married, and seeing the products of said union, my "mini-mees" grow and become their own persons. But back to the issue of the single >30 female....weird position in truth, but as I indicated above, a definately artificial one....well artificial in the sense that its a position "created" by society, and not a true biological one. In the primate community, the alpha female screws who she wants (though usually there is a alpha male who she must service regularly...if my animal behaviour class wasnt for naught at HU)...and what are we, if not 98% primate? As the "cougar" and MILF phenomena have come to attest, there is something singularly (no pun intended) sexy in an older woman, moreso a single, independent one, comfortable in her skin, an all bout it....

    "shes got her own thing...thats why I love heeeer..Ms Independent" u kno the song.

    The dearth of men able to appreciate, and handle, this single older Ms Independent is also a function and product of the society in which we live...and few males are eligible, for a variety of reasons...married, jail, under-educated, insecure, etc etc, yadda yadda yadda. So what to doooo? I say screw society (even though in it we must live) be yourself...function how you want to, be happy in your skin..dont feel forced to mate, and hold a single "trophy" to "fit-in" with dem an dose. Its all about your internal peace...your sense of contentment.

    If you are happy with your "arrangement" den who nuh like it, an a gwaanie gwaaanie, a nuh yuh REAL fren...a wash-ova fren dem deh. Whatever it takes...a gigolo for a weekend...or a permanent trophy, or somewhere in the middle, a happy, content, mature relationship, whichever, of, or all of the above....its about your happiness.

    Fuck society and dem dis rule and dat rule. From yuh hav yuh owna money, and yuh owna tings, and yuh real fren...who nuh like it drap asleep!! Finding said middle ground may be an issue...but this for me is a matter of putting "The Secret", into practice. Put it out into the universe that this is something you know is coming your way, and presto, it appears.

    Yes. Its as simple as that. Just be prepared for it, and dont spurn it thru fear. If it truly is, it will be, and you will know it.


    Subject: in response to blog post:

    If I had a daughter, and she told me she had a boyfriend or engaged to a guy that was Jamaican, I'd be EXTRA suspicious.

    The bag a woman ting is indoctrinated in our culture and is just so it go. No use fighting it. The few good men are far and few, whether you talking in Jamaica or Jamaicans. I suggest coming back to the states (maybe even going to DC) and seeing what happens there.

    I'm sure there are a lot more quality ppl there. How about going back to school here in the states (just make sure it's not anywhere that has a Jamaican population, b/c inevitably that is the people you would hang out with). What about race? Are you sensitive to that.

    Sure Tara, I would love to link up with you and have a really good time, cuz you are one fine sista. But alas, I am Jamaican myself, and that means trouble. Since leaving college and working full time, I've found it very hard to meet new quality ladies, but I've recently gone back to school and must say that it is a big improvement.

    It can work for you too, JUST NOT A YAWD!!!


    --------------------(no subject)

    Hey there , just read your blog and while I am not to comment on such matters because its you I will lol lol lol . As a single man let me just make one point , there are lots of women out there and finding a fling is not a problem BUT women who have the qualities that you would want the mother of your children to have are not falling off of trees >>>

    Keep it up and looking great